We are not only leaving a year behind, but we are leaving a decade of memories. For me, some good, some excellent, and some I just want to forget. At the end of each year, I profess that I will be in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams. A decade later, I am finding myself bringing in another year alone. There will be no hugs, no kisses, no terms of endearment. Just me, with friends, silently wishing that one special person was there with me. He’s out there. I know it. I feel it. We just can’t seem to connect.
I really shouldn’t complain. I mean, hey, I’m living, breathing and walking. But I still miss that closeness that each person, if we are honest with ourselves, wants. Needs. It’s human nature. But, as I always say, if I wake up the next day, there is another chance for me love. For me to share my whole being.
I thought about this the other day. As I was going over of the past ten years. I realized that I have loved but have never been loved. At 53, how is that even possible? Believe me. Its possible. I have given more than I should, but it’s the way my heart goes. I have tried hard, to be hard, to not care, to be selfish. I can’t. My heart will not let me. I still hold that little girl’s dream of the Prince that will come and not save me, but we save each other, and no matter what, it will be just us two. I have come to realize there is no Prince, and no one will come to save me, just me saving.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have had offers. But they didn’t pull at my heart. My soul. I do have one (we all have that one) that has twisted my heart and takes residence in my soul, but the feeling is not mutual. He doesn’t even know. Again. The heart never does what we want it to do. I did have a side piece. Don’t judge me. I hadn’t had sex in a decade and refuse to let it be two decades. So, I picked one that I thought would be a good choice for my itch. No. I did not have feelings of love and wanting togetherness. Just somebody. Someone, who would let me pretend and not want anything from me. But that ended when the fucker calls me fat in the middle of sex. “Yes, Fuck Toy, I know I am a sizable woman. You knew it too. Clothes don’t make that much difference.” I never returned. That was over a year ago, going on two. Looking like another decade of no satisfaction. However, I am still believing that love is out there, for me. I just may be half blinded, with a walker before I find him.
On another note…my life is good. My son is in a happy relationship with a beautiful young lady. I have another magazine coming out. I am restarting my podcast, continuing to work on my acting skills, and still employable until I get my shit off the ground. I am learning to come out of my box. I am reaching out, stretching to show others what I can do. And I can do a lot. I have great friends and family that challenges me to be better and not take this life for granted. Even without love....life is good. I have set goals for myself, and I will reach them. I hope to be able to share my fruits with my future love, but until then, its me working on my and business. The dream continues.
Words of Inspiration / Motivation:
Don’t give up. On love, on your dreams, on you. Everything happens for a reason. So, let’s take each day, by each day and put the best foot forward.
“Find your fire. Be true to who you are and inspire along the way“.
Happy New Year and wishing you the best!
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